Noticing kindness
On giving, receiving and observing kindness
I've written on the topic of kindness before, but it's come up again recently in talks and books, and as it's World kindness day in November, it feels appropriate to revisit the topic.
It’s a common misconception to think that kindness is simply being soft or weak, but the positive impact of kindness can produce huge impacts on both mental well-being and physical health. Incredibly these benefits appear to affect not only the receivers, but the givers, and the observers too. Dr David Hamilton has written various blogs and books on the topic of kindness, and I had the pleasure of hearing him give a live talk this summer (see the photo below). In his blog entitled 'small gestures – big impact', he discusses the concept that small acts of kindness, such as a smile, spread like ripples from a pebble thrown into in a pond. The kindness impacts many more people than just the one person you smiled at. He suggests we make it a daily mission to perform at least one act of kindness. This can set up a positive reinforcement cycle because these kind acts remind us of our own self-worth and our capacity to make positive change, and so we're likely to do more positive things.
Oliver Burkeman makes an interesting point (in his book 'meditations for mortals') regarding gift giving, which I think also relates to this idea of small acts of kindness. He's noticed that, in attempting to give in the 'right' way or in a more 'perfect' way, we often miss the opportunity to give at all. The example he writes and talks about is when walking past somebody asking for money on the street, we might hesitate and refrain from giving money directly to that person, because we've heard that that's not the best way to help that person. Instead, we're told, we should consider supporting a charity that helps people living on the streets. But, by the time we get home, and life gets in the way, we forget to donate to that charity and so in the end we've helped nobody. I know I've experienced a similar situation when I've felt the urge to donate to a good cause, but something held me back and then I'd missed the moment and the donation didn't happen. He feels that we might be better just to get out of our own way and simply stop resisting those moments when we feel a natural urge to give. I think this is rather similar to the concept of doing and noticing small acts of kindness. Rather than planning a grand gesture of kindness, we can simply get out of our own way, notice the urge to be kind, start small, and start today.
There's a lovely concept in mindfulness called noticing the glimmers. We often tend to be very good at noticing the negative, the doom and gloom, but we're not so tuned in to the positives around us - the glimmers. But when we consciously turn our attention to spotting the glimmers - which could include small acts of kindness - our brain starts to seek them out and we realise there are many small acts of kindness happening all around us every day. Maybe you've experienced this phenomenon of turning your attention towards something and then noticing it everywhere? For example, if you're contemplating buying a new car, say a red mini, suddenly you start to see red minis everywhere you go. The same thing can happen when we make a conscious choice to notice small acts of kindness.
The mindfulness course that I'm teaching in November/December includes mindfulness practices around kindness and self-kindness. Sometimes we can be our own harshest critics, and our inner voice can be very loud and persistent with its critical commentary. Mindfulness can help us to press pause on this negative cycle and help us learn to acknowledge and accept, with compassion, whatever we have going on in our mind. If you’d like to press pause and boost your sense of self-acceptance, calm and kindness, check out the details about my next mindfulness course here and email me to enquire or book in.
I recently attended a mental health for small businesses day which was a great opportunity for discussions and conversations around mental health, and kindness was a topic that came up on that day too. One lady I met has a mission to help people notice more acts of kindness and to share these experiences with more people.
I've experienced the phenomenon of feeling better myself simply by observing or hearing about kindness within my family. One example was when my niece told a story of how she helped a young woman in distress, who was new to the area and didn't know her way home. Having looked up the address on her phone and realising it was a long walk, she offered the young lady a lift back in her car. She described the warmth she felt inside after taking this young lady safely home and I felt the warmth in my heart when she told me the story. Another moment happened when my daughter stopped to speak to a person living rough on the streets, and offered to get them a hot drink. She felt a sense of warmth for giving them the coffee, I'm pretty sure the recipient felt better for both the act of kindness, and for the hot drink on a cold day, and I felt it too as the observer of this simple act of kindness. I'm even feeling it now as I re-tell these heart warming stories, with a hand instinctively placed on my heart.
With World kindness day approaching on 13th November, I'm on a mission to notice more glimmers and to spread the word about small acts of kindness with more people, hence the 2 personal stories above - because I believe kindness is all around us, if only we paid attention to it, are you with me?